Demetri Martin

I think about drowning.

I think drowning would be a horrible experience,

but I bet a little less horrible, if right before that,

you were really thirsty. Because then you're like, “man,

I could use a drink. Oh that’s good. Whoa, too much!”

That’s why when I swim, I always bring pretzels.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

I was at a party I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, that is cool.

Ten minutes later I saw a guy wearing a leather vest. I thought, that is not cool.

And that’s when I realized that cool is all about leather sleeves.

I like fruit baskets.

A fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.

If you just mail somebody some apples, they’re like, what the hell is this?

But if you put those apples in a basket, they’re like, this is nice.

I keep a lighter on me at all times, you know, in my back pocket. I’m not a smoker.

I just really like certain songs.

I believe that you can learn something in every situation.

For example this summer I was at a party and I learned that there is a small

but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Location, location, location.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say.

What do I put on the inside? Man…? See front.

I use this product called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,”

because sometimes when I’m having toast, I like to be incredulous.

“How was breakfast?” “Unbelievable.”

I grew up near the beach and I like the beach.

I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up.

I take about thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water.

And I wait for everyone to come to the beach.

And when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them.

Because when they open it, inside is a note that says,

“I’m standing right behind you.”